| Wonders of the Human Body |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|11:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
I know it's a cliche, but the human body is an amazing thing. Most of us take for granted all of the things that it does without us willing it to do so.
Digestion
Nervous System Connections
Waste Removal
Respiration
Circulation
Today, I went in for an Echocardiogram. For those uninitiated, this is an ultrasound "picture" of your heart in motion. They use it to ensure all is well and that there aren't any strange occurrences, such as heart valves not functioning properly and significant heart pumping irregularities. While they are doing this "procedure" (which is not invasive by any means), I had a chance to see this amazing pump do its thing. I saw the heart valves opening and closing like clockwork. I felt outside of reality to know that this instrument of circulation was actually in my body and that we were looking at the actual living organ working as it is designed.
I finally had a SMALL inkling of what it must be like for a parent to see his/her child in an ultrasound for the first time. It's amazing to know this is going on inside of you, without you doing anything to make it happen.
OK, there are things that you can do to STOP it from happening, but you cannot "will" your heart to beat.
I could have watched that thing pump for a very long time, and I knew that it was mine...just working away. No conscious thought...no "I don't want to do that today; I'm tired"...no "I need a break". Just constantly beating...inside my body. And I was watching it happen.
I am again humbled at how complex this living body is, marveling at whatever creative process brought it to be.
BirdMan |
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| Take aways from Saturday all-day retreat |
[Aug. 29th, 2006|02:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
On Friday evening and most of Saturday, I participated in an all day board retreat for one of the non-profit organizations which with I am affiliated. These are the notes I wrote down at the end of the day on Saturday:
I'm good enough
I'm smart enough
...and dawggone it, people like me
Seriously, I relearned about the value of everyone in my life. Their conflicts and confrontations are centered around a great and wonderful passion in their lives.
I learned about how our miscommunications can create toxicity and paralysis. How with universal recognition and validation, we are able to create and live incredible and powerful visions for ourselves and our immediate "stakeholders".
Our responsibiliy is to ourselves, to our staff, our donors, our friends/family, and each other to know and live our corporate vision and be able to communicate it with Joy and Enthusiasm.
All old lessons...reframed and retaught to remind us the simplicity that life can be at its core.
BirdMan |
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| Ol' McBirdman has a life..... |
[Aug. 22nd, 2006|09:25 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  busy | ] |
I went to the Dr. the other day to get an update on my "health status". Seems that all is according to plan: my blood counts are still good (including my triglycerides and cholesterol, which have been through the roof with my new meds) and the Dr. and I have a good time when I go in to see him.
I also received a bump in my antidepressant meds. Hopefully this will help the little valley I'm in.
R & I are having a small gathering on Labor Day, both to celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary and also to get some of the damn house projects completed. I'd love nothing more than to take the fall and winter off of doing some indoor projects (except for Christmas decorating, which R. cannot do without!). Since we've moved into this house, we've had major projects every winter. We need a year off to recooperate!
This past weekend we both learned how to use a powerwasher (Tim Taylor of Home Improvement comes to mind). What an amazing tool and how INCREDIBLY messy it is getting the paint off of the patio and front stoop. I've got gray, red, and green paint in places I don't even think I want to remove. I think we'll let the cedar bark do a lot of that (Grin).
We also laid carpet this weekend. Of course, we didn't do it the easy way. We bought something with a pattern in it and the space was wider than a single roll would fit. It took all day Sunday (and the first hour we sat there trying to decide how to do it)...but it's done and I think it looks incredible. Sure there are a few uneven ends along the sides but it's minimal. Most people won't notice what we look at when we see it. We were past exhausted Sunday evening! R.'s family is coming this weekend so this is our first test to see if pass inspection.
Before Labor Day, though, we still have a LOT of work to do. Mostly painting trim and fixing small missed spots in the new rooms. A light fixture here, repainting the front stoop there, here a dab, there a dab. I keep reminding us both that if we don't get absolutely everything done, the world won't end. Most people haven't seen our house so anything will be an improvement.
Of course, one of the to-do's is to produce a "before" shot so that the newbies can see what we've done!
OK...back to work. Just wanted to spread the news that life isn't all depressing and slogging in the muck.
BirdMan |
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| Holding on... |
[Aug. 14th, 2006|09:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
I've been in a difficult space for quite sometime. I'm sure it's mostly chemical in nature, but that doesn't keep it from seeming totally emotional in nature and sometimes hopeless.
By all accounts, I have so much of what many would consider success. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, have a beautiful home in an equally beautiful city. Two personality-filled felines which keep me comforted and entertained on a daily basis. Loving supportive families and equally wonderful friends.
Yet...it's not enough to lift the "fog".
I've, again, stopped participating in outside activities - unless R. initiates them. Then I feel guilty, which doesn't do anything to motivate me to change or make me feel anything but more paralyzed. Even working on my computer and watching TV just doesn't bring me the same escape as it has in the past.
I must confess that work isn't helping either. I like my company a lot and have a most amazing boss. We are, however, in a slow period because of a lot of vacations and that makes the day drag just a little bit more.
Even in this entry, I find it difficult to communicate what is going on in my head and heart. It's like slogging slowly through thick mud and I keep moving forward just so that I don't stop and get completely stuck. My head and heart hurt off and on most all the time.
Don't get me wrong...I have my moments where there is clarity and I think that it finally all makes sense. I'm lighter, happier, and more clearheaded. It just seems that I'm in the muck more and more all the time.
I'm sure that so much of it is tied up in anger that is fully internalized, because there seems to be no healthy way to change my environment or express my anger.
Anger that comes from continued injustices by our state, federal, and "christian" leaders. Prejudices which perpetuate themselves, feeding on the fears and realities of our terror-filled world. Utter frustration that those who are insensitive, unthinking heterosexuals are content trying to find a country which goes back to an era (1950's) that they perceive was the "good old days", forgetting about the disenfranchised and "untouchables" that weren't visible or truly loved.
Beyond furious that our country's morality is being led by a bunch of millionaire "christian" ministers who have forgotten the real reasons why Sodom, Gomorrah, Israel, Judah, Assyria and other ancient cultures were torn apart. (Not homosexuality or "sexual immorality" but fear, terror, aggression, and inhospitality) Feeling hopeless that no matter what power and truth our stories bring to the surface, these stories are minimized and chastised for not following cultural "norms".
Living in a state and country where "marriage is to promote procreation", when there are heterosexual couples who either choose not to have children, or cannot procreate on their own. In a country, where a pop star can be legally married for 50 hours and that is acceptable legally, when Gay and Lesbian couples who have been together for decades cannot protect their homes, valuables, partners because it's not "moral".
Torn up inside because my spiritual base, that I depended on to survive my teens and twenties, has been all but torn apart. Seeing the power grabbing, money hungry "christian" leaders who are so needing control in their own lives and controlling other lives, that I don't know what to believe any more.
I am not alone.
But, that doesn't make the foggy muck any easier to slog through.
M. Scott Peck starts his book "The Road Less Traveled" with the sentence: "Life is Difficult".
I couldn't agree more.
BirdMan |
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| Sort of fits the mood these days... |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|07:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| Your Aura is Blue | 
Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life.
You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships.
The purpose of your life: showing love to other people
Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah
Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor |
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| I guess this isn't a big surprise.... |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|07:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| You Are Ernie | 
Playful and childlike, you are everyone's favorite friend - even if your goofy antics get annoying at times.
You are usually feeling: Amused - you are very easily entertained
You are famous for: Always making people smile. From your silly songs to your wild pranks, you keep things fun.
How you life your life: With ease. Life is only difficult when your friends won't play with you! |
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| Family Update and Conundrum(s) II |
[Jul. 13th, 2006|08:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
I have found a new, rather disturbing habit. Not as destructive as chemical, sexual, or romantic addiction -- no my new passion seems centered around a little Canadian high school drama called "Degrassi: Next Generation". I was drawn in by the incredible writing and before I knew it, I felt for these kids. I feel like I know these characters and feel about as drawn in as I was when I was watching General Hospital in the 1970s. (Yeah...as if that wasn't any sign of my sexual orientation!!).
Last night, one of the most creative characters had a emotional breakdown. I had seen his first episode earlier this week: one where his father beat and verbally abused him. As with most television, he found a new home and the difficult pain subsided by the end of the episode. What made these latest pair of episodes more realistic, was that the bipolar condition was traced back to some of the father's behaviour...and perhaps that part of the violence problem was that "dad" was bi-polar too.
Difficult as it is for adults to deal with mental illness, in any form, kids have it so much worse. Their self-identity is still in formation stage; they look so much for peer acceptance as they stretch their new wings of independence, hoping that they will fly from the roost and set up their own lives like so many butterflies. Those of us with mental illness, whether it be depression, bi-polar (manic-depressive) disease, or any number of other mental health issues, feel like our wings are either clipped or deformed and that we will not be allowed to stay in the collective. This, of course, just multiplies the alienation and depression that comes with such a diagnosis. It's no wonder so many teens in this situation consider suicide.
Which leads me to a phone call I received last evening. My mother called to let me know that my cousin (even though not a teen, was ill with chemical dependencies from the time he was a teen) committed suicide by stepping in front of an Amtrak train in Southern California. My Aunt, his mother, was with my mom in Illinois at the time. JB had been estranged from the family for a very long time. His alcoholism and drug abuse produced an angry, violent, bullying young man who finally found that he had no home and no place to go. People were afraid of him and made decisions to protect themselves. In his isolation, he finally gave up "the ghost" and ended it.
Add him to another one in my family (both sides) who have contemplated, attempted, or completed suicide.
My Aunt has had such a difficult life, but has made some remarkable choices in order to work through her pain and move on to a much better, serene place. This, however, is a new pain. How does one deal with the death of his/her child? How do you deal with the guilt, wondering if there was more you could do? She is surrounded by a lot of friends, and most of them from al-anon -- which will help her through this. My sister will be flying out to California with her so she isn't alone.
My mother, on the other hand, cannot. She really wants to be there for Auntie, but her husband is very very ill, and could pass away any day. The husband and mom are pretty much at peace and are making appropriate arrangements. It's been difficult for them for a long time, since he's had a couple of difficult and long term chronic illnesses.
Although I won't go out to California for my cousin's service, I'm still wondering whether I should go for mom's husband's memorial when the time comes. He and I don't exactly get along, and I fear that the service will be much more "evangelical" than I'm comfortable with right now. But, I would be going for my mom and not for me...no matter how difficult it might be.
Right now, my thoughts are with my aunt and her surviving kids. They are responding all with various amounts of pain, shock, and disbelief. Some of them are saying things and doing things that later on they will regret or wish they could take back. They are reliving the past 20+ years wondering if there was anything else that they could do. In almost every case, there wasn't anything any of them could do. JB wouldn't and couldn't receive help because he wasn't ready.
The survivors continue to move forward in life, even though JB chose not to. This is what those of us who survive suicide do. There is no better choice.
BirdMan |
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| Family Update and Conundrum(s) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2006|07:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
It's been a while since I've written, but that's not to say that things have been slow in these here parts.
Earlier this week, I received word that my Mom has early stage emphysema.
She did smoke for a relatively short time (late high school until she was pregnant with me: total of maybe 4 years), and the doctor I spoke to let me know that even that short amount of time is enough to start the damage.
However, it is my belief that it was all the years of second-hand smoke that contributed to this new diagnosis. For the first 10-12 years of her relationship with my father, he (and several of our family members) smoked. Gradually most quit, but there were years of exposure nonetheless. Many of their mutual friends (and members of her monthly bridge club) smoked as well.
More than that, she lives in a state with few smoking restrictions. For years, she worked in an office where people smoked freely, until she started showing allergy signs. Her boss was then able to put in a no-indoor smoking policy. There still are "non-smoking" and smoking sections in restaurants and many public places. It's changing there, but very slowly.
I'm sure that all of this cumulative effect has now caught up with her.
It's easy to put the blame on the environments in which she placed herself over the years. In some cases, she had few choices of work and restaurant options. I could start a class-action suit against the Tobacco Companies...but that doesn't really change anything in our situation and masks our own responsibility in this situation.
I cannot really step up on my soapbox and chastise the smokers of the world. I, too, was there for a very short period of time. I have friends and family who are caught in the addiction/pleasure. Yes, for some, smoking is truly a pleasure (my father).
And it's not that we all don't know that smoking is bad for us, at least the all of the folks in my circle. We've had more education than anything else like this in the public sector.
It's just that I'm angry. Angry that my mom, with her years of various health issues, has one more potentially difficult (fatal?) illness to contend with. Angry that I may watch her suffer for years at the end-stages of this preventable disease. Angry that no amount of money that I can muster can reverse the situation she's in now (yeah, a lung transplant? Not even close to being that ill!).
So, like my HIV, I tell the story. Inform people about my mom's journey, and let them put the pieces together. Or, at the least, ask questions. Educate myself about the options for quitting, in case I'm asked. Support programs that really discourage people from starting in the first place. Don't place judgment on those who cannot quit (or choose to smoke). Just tell the story.
Treat people like adults, and gently remind all of us that our individual choices can and do affect the greater community sometimes.
Hug you all and let you know, that no matter what comes your way, you are loved. Period.
Finally, embrace my anger...because it is justified...and provides avenues for change.
Birdman |
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| Another one of those Blog Tests..... |
[May. 10th, 2006|11:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
This is me:
| Your Birthdate: January 25 | 
You excel at anything difficult or high tech.
In other words, you're a total (brilliant) geek.
It's difficult for you to find people worth spending time with.
Which is probably why you'll take over the world with your evil robots!
Your strength: Your unfailing logic
Your weakness: Loving machines more than people
Your power color: Tan
Your power symbol: Pi
Your power month: July |
This is my partner:
| Your Birthdate: December 13 |
You're dominant and powerful. You always need to be in charge.
While others respect your competence, you can be a bit of a dictator.
Hard working and serious, you never let yourself down.
You are exact and accurate - and you expect others to be the same way.
Your strength: You always get the job done
Your weakness: You're a perfectionist to a fault
Your power color: Gray
Your power symbol: Checkmark
Your power month: April |
What do you all think????
BirdMan |
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| Suicide is NOT Painless |
[May. 7th, 2006|10:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
Suicide is a dangerous topic. Those of us who've thought about it at some point in our lives are surrounded by fear, shame, guilt and depression.
How do we get to the point where we feel so alone and trapped that ending life is our only option?
Some of it is chemical, of course. Psychiatry has developed incredible tools for healing chemical imbalances that contribute to the contemplation and attempts.
Some of it is socially based. We feel that the "world" is against us, and there are no avenues to bridge the chasm that separates us from others. So many kids from my
religious background commit suicide because they feel that it's too big of a burden to disappoint their friends, their families, their church, and their God by coming out as
Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, Bisexual, or even questioning.
Some of it is spiritually based. We feel that we're better off ending this life so we are with "God" for all eternity, rather than take the chance of losing our souls and going to "Hell".
I think some of it is genetic. As I've mentioned in an earlier posting, so many of my family (on both sides) have dealt with depression and suicide.
I'm convinced, however, that most times it is combinations of the above. Life is too complex for it to be just one of these.
I saw a TV-movie recently which dealt with this issue. Those of you who know me well know that Ordinary People is one of my favorite movies. Both movies deal with the devastating aftermath of "completed" or attempted suicide. The anger, the grief, the depression, the confusion, the hopelessness, and the incessant "Why?" and "How could I not see this coming?".
When one contemplates suicide, focus is not usually on how it affects others. It's more about feeling incredibly trapped and finding (erroneously) there is no way out but ending life. There may be signs of someone contemplating suicide, but most times the signs are subtle and it's only after the attempt or completion that we can look back and put the pieces together. We who have been suicidal want to be found, but don't want to appear to be desperate. It only adds to our guilt. We just want the pain to end, and our "signs" are last ditch efforts to see if someone notices enough to stop us and help us find another solution.
I was fortunate enough to look and find help before I made my attempt. It was only after some incredible healing did I discover just how much pain and destruction my life-ending choice would have left in its wake.
Don't choose this option as a way to fix your depression and issues that you think can never be solved. There are ways to heal. There are people who love you. It's NEVER too late.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-8255 (toll-free)
BirdMan |
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| STEP 9: Make direct amends.... |
[Apr. 26th, 2006|08:30 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  high | ] |
I have had an incredibly surreal experience in the last 24 hours.
Flashback to Fall 1984: I spent almost 3 months traveling mostly the southern and south-midwest portions of the US with a singing group called the Continental Singers. During that tour, we spent 1 month in Europe -- a dream that I had since I was in high school. Singing and traveling in Europe - what an incredible combination. Imagine traveling with your brothers and/or sisters for 90 days. Then, multiply that so that you have a total of 44 individuals...on a bus...day in and day out during that time. We slept in the homes of the church members' in each city (with a few rare exceptions), so alone time was rare to say the least. It was an incredible, difficult, amazingly wonderful, and life-changing experience on all kinds of levels.
During our "rehearsal camp" which was a week of intensive rehearsals, choreography (which was challenging for some of the "non-dancing" churches back then), and spiritual study, we prepared ourselves for the adventure we were to embark upon. We met our 90-day brothers and sisters, and worked diligently to ready ourselves emotionally, spiritually and physically for the journey. A part of the camp, was an evening where the genders were separated and we got "the talk". Seems that there had been a history of "homosexual activity" on the tours (imagine???) and we were instructed to inform our tour director if we had any history or temptation...as someone in which to be accountable. Yeah, right! I had traveled with band and choirs for years and nothing ever happened, so why take the risk? Well, I did end up having a few encounters on tour...which, I'm convinced, was the final catalyst to bring myself to accept my orientation.
Return to 2006: In the last couple of weeks, I've been digitizing all of my old written journals. One of those journals was a pretty in-depth nearly-daily description of my tour experience. Reading all of those entries, made me think about my tourmates and wonder what they were doing.
I had only officially come out to three or four of my tourmates long after the tour was over. But, I wondered about a few others -- one in particular that I had a small, but significant crush on. For purposes of privacy, since I don't want to embarrass this fine gentleman publicaly, I will just call him "Windows" for reasons he will understand.
He and I had some very intriguing conversations during the tour, but only when we were in private. There were scheduled times where we would share a host home and in some cases actually share a bed.
Both of us owned up to our "experimentation", but both of us had girlfriends at "home" that we felt connected to and thought we would eventually marry. It was such a relief to find someone on the tour who was going through what I was going through.
But, by the end of the tour, we were not as close...probably as much to protect our secrets as anything else.
I digress, however. During a free moment, I decided to Google Mr. "Windows", to see if I could find out where he was and if he was even alive. Amazingly enough, I found his web site -- and decided to reach out. There was more than enough information there to know that he and I had lived some similar paths in our lives shortly after our touring was over.
So, I wrote.
Made me think: What would I do if someone from my past wrote out of the blue? Would I be a little frightened, wondering if there was some ulterior motive? It actually happened to me a few years back, and I was actually excited, and extremely curious as to why this person wrote me after all those years.
Last evening, "Windows" wrote back. The letter blew me away, as it did him (according to what I read). He's still doing music, although it's not his current main occupation. He, like me, has walked away from the "church", because of the pain, rejection, and total politicization of the conservative movement. He lives in the South, which makes church conservatism that much more visible. I was in total shock...and incredibly honored.
But why the subject line above? I was incredibly fucked up during that time in my life. I didn't trust anyone, I had no one to confide in, and "Windows" was a new experience for me. But, I think I put people off during that tour. Oh, not most of the time -- it's not in my nature. I was, however, very sensitive to the smallest perceived indifference or "separateness". I wanted us all to be one big, huggy, happy family. Again -- imagine being with 44 of your relatives. It's highly doubtful that you could ALL get along for 90 "straight" days together on a bus. I was forever trying to fix myself and others so that the channels of communication were open and free. I didn't take into consideration that not everyone was like me, and that they were coping with some of the difficulties as best as they knew how. Only now, with some reflection, can I look back and know that I could have been a lot less serious...a lot more flexible...and infinitely more tolerant, at least internally.
SO -- In my letter, I asked for forgiveness...nothing specific...just an apology for anything that I may have done to muck up whatever relationship we had on tour. Not really the specifics of STEP 9, but more the spirit.
Imagine my incredible response, when he said, "I don't know what you have to apologize about...". A 22-lb rock off my shoulders. Not that I carried around with me regularly, not at all. Just whenever I thought about tour and about him.
We carry stuff internally about experiences and events we wish we'd done differently; things we said that we wish we could take back; things unsaid we should have said when the opportunity presents.
We (meaning me) need to give ourselves infinitely more grace.
Others already have.
BirdMan |
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| I could have told you this.... |
[Apr. 25th, 2006|09:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| You Belong in Amsterdam | 
A little old fashioned, a little modern - you're the best of both worlds. And so is Amsterdam.
Whether you want to be a squatter graffiti artist or a great novelist, Amsterdam has all that you want in Europe (in one small city). |
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| Memories of SoCal Days |
[Apr. 11th, 2006|07:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
This morning I was walking to my office, daily Starbucks in hand, and the day was almost exactly like the day I drove away from Pasadena almost 7 years ago.
Unlike my move from my home town in IL in 1980, I was much more deliberate and aware when I engaged that day. Even now, I feel that mixed emotion of heavy heart and excitement of the unknown. I had my first Starbucks that day, and have not looked back. I was even cheesy enough to call into my favorite radio station and thank them for helping me start my day for those years when my job was winding down and they kept me entertained.
I got into the car that morning, all packed, and headed off the road. I wanted to cry, but the travel path down the freeway was too familiar and it didn't seem any different than any other day driving through Glendale up north. I had memories of the opening to Mary Tyler Moore (gawd...does it get more cliched than this?) and I made sure I had tunes going on in the car.
Those first few days in Seattle was pretty rough, but not as bad as it could be. The movers couldn't get up to our apartment, and wanted more money to transfer our belongings into smaller vans so that our stuff could be delivered. NEVER AGAIN use the internet to schedule a move - what a disaster! R. was in San Diego for a few more days, so I was able to set up "shop" as we had planned. I washed more dishes by hand than I ever want to again (oh by the way, did I mention how much I HATE to wash dishes?) and made sure that I got outside as much as was possible.
It all seemed unreal for a very long time. Of course, we picked the most gorgeous summer to move here. We squished a 1400+ square foot apartment and all its belongings into a 900 sq ft space with two STUFFED storage spaces downstairs. There was no inch of wall that didn't have furniture or electric baseboard in that apartment. We took our time settling in as we could, and learning the city slowly. We became addicted to Capital Hill and spent more time at the Broadway Grill than we could ever afford now. We walked almost everywhere and absolutely loved it. We had the fortune of taking 3 months to settle in, enjoy the city, and not seriously look for work. Those were incredibly rich days.
We are now looking at the end of our 7th year, and are firmly established. Sure, there are more cloudy days than we would prefer, but the weather in the summer is perfect and there is just enough sun during the "rainy season" to keep us sane. We've made some good friends, have incredible neighbors, own a wonderful home with character, and feel blessed.
On days like this, however, it's good to remember what we had in CA and thank God for the gifts when we were there as well.
It's good to feel good and healthy.
BirdMan |
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| Unpredictibility of Life |
[Apr. 7th, 2006|08:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I've been thinking about aging, death, dying and family. Maybe it's because I'm rapidly looking at 50, which is somewhat of a miracle for me. When I found out I was Poz at 34, I didn't think I'd make 40. Now I'm at 46 and climbing and starting to really see the mid-life body image issues. Now I'm more concerned with High Blood Pressure, Cholesterol, Triglycerides and normal aches & pains.
I also see my mother as she gets older, realizing what she went through as she saw her own mother age. Now, my mom is only in her late 60's, so she's got a ways to go...but she's had enough surgeries and physical pain to last 4 lifetimes. She's starting to discover her limitations, knowing she can't keep up her amazing pace after all of these years. But, she's a fighter, and will continue pushing as long as she can.
Her husband, on the other hand, is slowly diminishing in his capacity. I think it's a combination of long-term diabetes and his age, and now he's experiencing atherosclerosis and arteriosclerosis (hardening of the arteries and blockages) with some heart issues as well. It's difficult watching him, remembering how my grandfather (very active in his younger years) deteriorated with his congestive heart failure and knee failure.
This week, we received word that a friend of me and my partner had a massive heart attack and passed away. Now Bob was not exactly young, but he was certainly within the "normal age range" for such an event. None of us saw this coming, and it brings back ALL of those feelings that I had back in the late 80's and early 90's when many of my friends and acquaintances were dying of AIDS.
Bob and his wife are AMAZING advocates for social advocacy; since their child came out to them, the two of them became involved in PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians & Gays [Bisexuals, Transgender, and Questioning folks, too]). They also became intimately involved in Soulforce, which educates and advocates against spiritual violence in faith communities...primarily in "Christian" communities. They've even been arrested doing nonviolent social resistance and marches at various faith community locations (including conferences). "Spiritual Violence" is the misuse of religion to sanction the condemnation and rejection of any of God’s children. These two amazing people do incredible work and are extraordinary examples of what love and compassion can do. I hope that his wife takes time to mourn in whatever form is most healthy for her. Her life is unbelievably altered by this event.
All of this to say, I don't know what I would do if the same happened to my best friend, Weasel, or my partner R or any othose who are closest to me. Life is so incredibly fragile, that I forget how quickly it can go.
I apologize if this sounds cliched...but as a culture we don't deal with aging, death, and dying well at all. So, when it comes we are at a loss for words. We don't know what to do. We don't know what to say. We don't know how to "be" with it. We're on a continuous race to beat it, but eventually it catches up to us.
R. & I will be attending the memorial for Bob on Sunday. I, like so many, hate these things - but it's not about me. It's for his spouse and his children and his closest friends to start the closure.
Any great original ideas about what to say or what to give are always welcome.
Love to you all,
BirdMan |
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| Depression and such |
[Mar. 1st, 2006|03:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  and determined! | ] |
According to statistics, Clinical Depression strikes anywhere from 9 percent to 16 percent of the general population at at least one point of their lives. Up to 13.5 percent of the general population require some treatment.
I, my friends, am one of them.
It's not too much of a surprise. As I look back a couple of generations in my family, depression (and more) affects the majority of 3 generations of both sides of my family. In this same scope, at least 4 have either seriously considered or attempted (one successfully) suicide.
Contrary to what many well-meaning "Christian" folk, depression is NOT a spiritual issue (or even worse: Possession by the devil)!!
Contrary to what Mr. Cruise and his ilk claim, medication IS an effective tool for many in the treatment of Depression!!!
I, again, am there: medication has helped me incredibly. (Celexa, for those who want to know....)
But, like with most medications I have lived with, there is a tendency to develop the need for larger doses over time or outright changing the med to something else.
My experience with depression seems to be a very slow gradual "descent", where I know that something isn't quite right -- but I know that I am not incapacitated. Eventually I start to withdraw from social interactions, react strongly to insignificant events, and find it difficult to make decisions. I start to double-guess my decisions and appear to be indecisive and unclear.
The good news, is that after many years of dealing with this, I know when to self-intervene. Today, I checked in with a professional who confirmed that I should probably get a med check up.
Part of this new experience may be connected to an HIV drug I am taking. I'm sure that my antidepressants (and I do take them) dosage can be increased to make up for the chemical change.
I say all of this to let my loved ones know that I'm ok, that I'm not in a horrible space, but I do not want to get there again. In my worst days, I slept WAYYY too much, did not answer any phone calls (ok, so that has not changed too much) and never returned letters, cards or Emails.
I also say this to inform. If you find yourself withdrawing from friends, no longer enjoying the things that were once fun, snapping at or avoiding those closest to you -- get yourself checked. Some benefit from meds. Some benefit from therapy. Most benefit with a combination of both.
But Do It.
Do NOT wait until you find yourself in bed and you will not get up to face the world any longer. Quality of life is WAYYY to important to stay in the emotional greyness.
BirdMan |
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| Domestic Violence....and the holidays? |
[Dec. 23rd, 2005|06:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sympathetic | ] |
I am spending the holidays again with my in-laws; it's always an incredible time and even though there is a certain amount of stress beforehand, there is seldom a moment that isn't filled with love and appreciation for those around the table.
That being said, I picked up a copy of AARP at the house and in there was an article about domestic abuse even in "elder relationships". It took me back to some rather unpleasant times. Most particularly my maternal grandmother. I couldn't see anyone's picture in the article except her face.
My maternal grandfather was, for lack of a better word, a BASTARD. Evil, mean, controlling, drunk, and out-of-control. During his lifetime, he emotionally and physically abused my grandmother, molested my mother and my aunt, and threatened co-workers with physical harm. Back in "those days", there wasn't much that was done to change the danger. Women were expected to stay with their husbands, no matter what.
My grandmother, after many years of abuse, finally had the courage and left him. Her days immediately afterward were filled with fear that he would come back and kill her. Restraining orders were not thought about back then, and even if she could get one -- no guarantee that he wouldn't come back and get her. Her only solice was that there was an arrest warrant for him in California, and he wasn't motivated enough to risk coming back.
All of this came flooding back as I was reading this article in AARP. There are women (and Men!) experiencing abuse, even as they grow "old". My heart ached knowing what these people have gone through.
I take solace in knowing that there are now programs for folks to take sanctuary away from the abusers. But, it means leaving everything that they have known. Their lives become upended.
Why mention this during the holidays? As a child, I remember this being worse during the holidays...usually right before and right afterward. The amount of additional stresses in the house tended to bring this to the surface sooner than other times of the year.
My grandmother eventually found a better relationship, became strong in her resolve to stay away from my "grandfather", and lived a life with much less fear than she had ever known. Her love for her children and grandchildren was unwavering.
I knew that she had grown incredibly, when she stood up to her grandson -- who was becoming an abuser. Drug-addicted and mean (like his grandfather), she was put in a situation which was potentially harmful to both her and her great-grandchildren. When he came toward them, she stood her ground and did not move. He eventually backed away and left the house.
Healing, however difficult, can happen.
All of this to say: if this is happening to you -
1>> YOU are not to blame. This is not something for which you are at fault!
2>> Get away from the abuser NOW! Take the children and GO! They are learning the behaviors and
more times than not, they can become abusers OR victims of abuse in their future relationships.
3>> Know that you are NOT alone. Secrets are TOXIC and the only way this can change is for you to get
help, NOW!
This isn't exactly a great holiday message, but if one person can change their lives and get away from the abuse, then I have received a greater gift than any material present .
BirdMan |
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| From my friend, Hoss |
[Dec. 15th, 2005|08:27 am] |
Hmmmmm...
you are dodgerblue
#1E90FF |
Your dominant hues are cyan and blue. You like people and enjoy making friends. You're conservative and like to make sure things make sense before you step into them, especially in relationships. You are curious but respected for your opinions by people who you sometimes wouldn't even suspect.
Your saturation level is high - you get into life and have a strong personality. Everyone you meet will either love you or hate you - either way, your goal is to get them to change the world with you. You are very hard working and don't have much patience for people without your initiative.
Your outlook on life is very bright. You are sunny and optimistic about life and others find it very encouraging, but remember to tone it down if you sense irritation.
| | the spacefem.com html color quiz |
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| World AIDS Day Entry |
[Dec. 1st, 2005|10:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | grateful | ] |
It may be a bit late, but I'm jumping on the bandwagon.
I just celebrated 12 years of "infected life". Celebrate, you say? Running to the bathroom, taking a mountain of pills, listening to timers go off in inappropriate locales?
I technically didn't get my diagnosis until May 31, 1994. But, it was shortly before Thanksgiving 2003 when I'm sure I was infected. Thanksgiving 1993 was one of the most miserable holidays I've ever experienced. I was moving the next day, and I was scheduled to have a fab feast with my ex-roomie in his new digs. Alas, it was not to be. I woke up Turkey-Day with a 103 degree fever, no congestion, and extreme fatigue. Sounds like the flu, but I had never felt that kind of exhaustion ever in my life. I could stay awake for any more than about 90 minutes, and lifting the smallest box took a lot out of me.
I slept alot that weekend...and it was shortly thereafter my lymph nodes started to swell. You'd think at this point, I would have figured it out. I didn't, but I did wonder if I was dealing with some sort of cancer. How ironic.
In May, after 6 weeks of dating a very special man, I went in for my semi-annual HIV test. Usually, I was in and out within 15-20 minutes. Only this time, it didn't happen that way. There seemed to be an unusual delay, given there was only one other person in the room. I knew I was next to be called, and I was watching the reception window to see when I would be called. The nurse came by, and looked at some paperwork (I was sure it was mine...after all I was next) -- the stack was a bit bigger than I'd thought. I started getting a little nervous, but shrugged it off as best I could. After all, I'm ALWAYS nervous at these things.
I don't remember much after that.
I remember being told I was positive.
I remember the nurse saying something about "it's no longer a death sentence", "there are ways to treat", (yeah, this was in the end years of monotherapy and NO PI's yet), "you might want to see your doctor for a follow-up" and a lot of "mmmm", "nnnnn", "thgggg" (all I remember in my head is the sound of Charlie Brown's teacher).
I could hardly drive home. I don't remember the exact trip, but I was especially congnizant that it wouldn't take much for me to pass out.
I had 24 hours of solitude. I needed to figure out what I was going to do, who I was going to tell, how I was going to tell those that I loved that I really screwed up (pardon the pun). I had just lost one of my best friends, and my first real boyfriend was close to dying himself. How can I tell them that all that they had suffered was in vain?
The world was spinning, and I didn't know how I was going to get through the next minute. Anger? At whom? It's not my style to blame someone else for something like this, something that I was sure I unconsciously brought on.
Slowly, VERY slowly, I started telling.
First, my best friend. He went into shock.
Secondly, another of my best friends. He wasn't home. Of course, I didn't leave the message on the machine. I just told him to call me, because it was important.
Then, my best friend in Pasadena CA. He came up right away, gave me a big hug and we cried. I cried, not so much because I was scared -- rather because I knew I was going to hurt all of the people that loved me. I didn't know who I would lose. I just knew that I couldn't view that look in their eyes.
Finally..as my best Pasadena friend stood by in the other room, I called my boyfriend. It was (up to that time) the hardest phone call I've ever made. He was 400 miles away, and there was nothing either of us could do. He told me that he loved me, and I fell apart. We're still together 11 years later.
Slowly, I told my friends and family. The first most significant moment in my healing process was telling my first boyfriend (the one who has just lost his partner, and was dying himself) that I was Poz. I could hardly get it out.
He looked at me with his big blue eyes, moist, and said "You do NOT need anyone angry with you right now. You just need to be held and told that you are loved!". What could I do but bawl like a baby?
It is now 2005. I am in a much better place -- physically (ok...except for the aging), emotionally, psychologically. HIV/AIDS has turned into more of an expensive, chronic illness -- well...at least for those of us who can afford good health care. I'm no longer a victim, but am now talking and helping people with their news.
I am grateful for those who went before me. Those willing to try new medications (sometimes in doses many many times larger than necessary). Those who have fought bureacracy, governments, agencies to increase their quality of life.
I am still learning from those are newly infected, and from those who are treatment-experienced.
I am still reading as much as I can to know what is out there, what treatment "dangers" and treatment hopes are available.
I have a greater appreciation for the world around me, and the additional sensitivity I've received about those who deal with chronic illness.
and
I do not take for granted that I have received numerous gifts from HIV-infection, even though this isn't something I would wish on anyone.
Most of all, I am grateful after 12 years that I am still very much alive.
Peace to you all, and let's stay safe out there.
BirdMan |
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| Why are there so many songs about Rainbows? |
[Oct. 21st, 2005|01:52 pm] |
You are Kermit the Frog.
You are reliable, responsible and caring. And you
have a habit of waving your arms about
maniacally.
FAVORITE EXPRESSIONS:
"Hi ho!" "Yaaay!" and
"Sheesh!"
FAVORITE MOVIE:
"How Green Was My Mother"
LAST BOOK READ:
"Surfin' the Webfoot: A Frog's Guide to the
Internet"
HOBBIES:
Sitting in the swamp playing banjo.
QUOTE:
"Hmm, my banjo is wet."
What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| Long time no hear.... |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|09:25 am] |
Yeah, I know. So much for being regular.
Maybe there should be an "ex-lax" for bloggers ...
A bit has happened since the last post. Mostly good, some challenging:
ITEM: R & I have discovered a bit of the nasty stuff growing behind the tile in the bathroom. No plumbing leaks -- rather these are from years of unprofessional fixes in the bathroom which trapped mold/mildew between the walls and tile. What we were hoping was going to be a small patch with a bit of tile replacement is at the least a tub and tub-area remodel and at most an entire (unplanned) bathroom remodel. Tomorrow, the plumber comes in to assess the copper replacement. Soon after, our Contractor friend will help us with timelines and budgets. Runs to Home Depot/Lowes are imminent. Add to that, we have a trip to Disney World (see next ITEM) and my Mom and Sis coming immediately afterward (second next ITEM). Unfortunately it looks like they are going to have to live with the "construction model" bathroom. UGH. Details forthcoming.
ITEM: The WDW (Disney World, for the non-Disney-geeks among you) trip is all solidified. We pack, run to the airport, drop off the luggage and check in. Fly to Orlando (non-stop, thank God) and get shuttled to our villa. Yep, villa! Our luggage will be shipped directly to the villa from SeaTac Airport (compliments of Disney). Our tourguide, MickeyScott, has a tentative itinerary already planned -- understanding that we may make adjustments when we get there. This will be an incredible adventure, because most (if not all) of the 6 of us are total Disney-geeks! I cannot wait!!
ITEM: Mom and Sis are on schedule to arrive the day R & I return from Disney. We get in at around noon and they arrive in the early evening. I should be good and drugged (thanks, Ativan!) so it could be VERY entertaining. Mom is still planning on staying with us. I am beyond overjoyed about that! My only concern is that she has experienced complications from her recent back surgery. Up until last Thursday, she's been in increasingly severe pain -- seems that the Dr. says she has a nerve inflammation. On Thurs, her pain subsided considerably (through anti-inflammatory meds and Dr. visits) and the Doc has given her the OK to travel. We're still praying and crossing fingers that she continues to improve. I'm guessing that Sis will want to do a work project in the house (she likes to do these things), so I may have her help me paint the hallway. It will be both of their birthdays while they are here, and I will be spending it with them for the first time in over 25 years. I'm still working on what to do for that special occasion .....
ITEM: R's mom and dad were in Green Bay over the weekend to see a Packers' game. Not that they are big Packers' fans, but it was an opportunity to travel and neither had been to Wisconsin before. The game was a blow-out, but the weather was supposed to be great for football - and no rain! R & I go to see them next weekend and then a week from tomorrow, Dad goes in for hip-replacement surgery. He's been in excruciating pain over the last months (back, hip, knees) and is more than ready for this. Mom and Sis were hoping to see them when they came out, but with the surgery (and Mom can't travel 5 hours in a car...) it's not going to happen this time. I'm glad that they want to see the in-laws. It's something I couldn't have imagined only 5 years ago.
ITEM: Friday night, here at work, was our first (reconstituted) GLBT gathering. There were about 45 people there, with good food and beverages and a lot of "Wow! What a great surprise to find you here!". The folks putting this together want this to be more than just a social gathering; rather this is going to be a working group -- trying to lead and change the culture a bit to better understand the issues surrounding GLBT folks and the workplace. I may be in a unique place to communicate information to the Executive Team through my position here. All in all, it was a great evening and a new and exciting challenge awaiting us to see if this group has some substance. Again, details to follow...
OK, enough for now. Will follow-up with new information, hopefully on a more regular basis.
BirdMan |
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